


Past Tense

by yueliangs_wonderland



Category: EXO (Band), exo k - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-10-07 09:12:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17363198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yueliangs_wonderland/pseuds/yueliangs_wonderland
Summary: The feeling is regret and fear when meeting an old lover on a train.





	Past Tense

It’s funny how things change all the time, all around us and yet stay the same. We grow and change as well without ever really truthfully changing who we are. What we are now is simply who we are meant to be. But some things…

Some things are not meant to be.

Like how fish are not meant to walk on land; how we are not meant to look at the sun no matter how brilliant she is, how some relationships aren’t going to last.

It’s funny how with time anything can change about a given area, buildings pop up and new families but the aura is still the same, and so are the memories left behind. Riding on this train, I feel like I’ve gone back in time. Back to college when I was so much happier, when I had a tonne of friends. It makes me think back to when everything was much more simple.

It makes me think of him.

Of his piercing eyes. Of his heart-shaped lips that somehow were never chapped. Of his hair silky and soft when I ran my fingers through it.

His voice resembling the way a smooth jazz piece feels. His willingness to always please me. The love we shared and our inevitable downfall. Staring out the window of this train riding back into the past of Seoul I realized how big of a gaping hole that memories and time had left me.

The enigmatic nature of Do Kyungsoo, and our ill-fated love story. But God did I still love him, the acknowledgment of this feeling chokes me. I taste the bitterness in my mouth and the weight of it lays hard on my chest right over my heart.

“It’s been a long time. Can I sit with you?”

It’s funny how the saying goes; ‘speak of the devil and he shall appear’. Who knew it rang true with thoughts as well. I was so startled to see Kyungsoo and even more startled that he would speak to me; in such a public space too. He smiles at me wistfully and chooses to brush off my gaping to instead sit across from me, turning to the window in a way that mocked how I must’ve looked moments before.

Finally gaining some dignity, I close my mouth and look down to my thumbs, twiddling them. I can feel his eyes on me; the sensation of being the center of his attention after so long makes my skin prickle and my heart hammer away at my ribcage. If there was one thing I loved about him it was how he looked at me and he knew.

“You still won’t talk to me? It’s been eight years, you don’t even want to ask how I’ve been?” His tone is playful but his words make me wince nonetheless.

“How have you been Kyungsoo?” I manage to croak out. A simple glance up and I spot the beginnings of a smile on the corners of his lips.

“You’re only asking because of me telling you to. I know you better than that Y/N. And if there was anything that happened you probably know already.” He says the last part bitterly and a fondness blooms in my chest.

“If not because of all your fame and success then because of Chan, right?” He rolls his eyes at the mention of our mutual friend.

“You can call him Chan but you can’t call me Soo? We may have broken up but I still…” he stops himself looks away for a second then continues, “we could’ve been friends. That’s what we were before, right?”

“We both know that there is too much between the two of us to ever remain as friends, Soo.”

He puckers up at the nickname but the words before it etch a frown on his face. “We could’ve stayed together. We could have compromised, for God’s sake Y/N we were supposed to get married.”

I try to shush him at this but he shakes his head and continues looking through my soul with his piercing eyes.

“We were supposed to live the rest of our lives together and grow and have children and change the world for the better. Why did you have to leave? Why couldn’t we have just followed our dreams together as a team? Was that idea so appalling to you?”

I feel like a fly stuck in a jar, slowly but surely suffocating with the way he drills into me. Though he has a right to be angry; to be hurt, to feel betrayed and disappointed. I did this to him, I left him here to pursue my dreams and now here he is, a successful chef with a world renown restaurant

Here I am moving in with my younger sister because the hotshot everyone thought I would become isn’t me.

It’s funny how time changes you, makes you more or less of a human being. It heals you but also cuts your wounds deeper. It’s funny how this train remained the same after all these years, the same old stains from my youth present on the worn out cloth covering the seats. It’s funny how even after all these years I don’t have a straight answer for Kyungsoo. At the time I thought I had many reasons to leave, but here sitting in this train with the man whom I still love that resents the ground I walk upon, I realize what the real reason was.

It’s funny how fear never changes. It is always present and thick and it guides us. From fear so many problems arise; be it jealousy or envy, shock or disgust fear is rooted deep within us and it was rooted deep in my heart. I feared Kyungsoo would realize just how much of a terrible person I am, that I wouldn’t live up to his expectations, or anyone else for that matter. I feared one day he would wake up and decide that the life he thought he wanted with me was one that he really wanted with someone else.

I let my fear consume me. I should’ve known better, I should’ve known he would never do that. That he wouldn’t hurt me and if he ever did, it was unintentional. That even after everything I had done, he would still hurt because the love we had for each other was unlike any other. That the look in his eyes as he was staring at me was not anger but pain. Hurting from losing someone you loved so dear. Even after eight years.

 

It’s funny how love never changes.


End file.
